LOST.

so finally a week of burden and stress is finally over and done with. to be truthful, I wasn't really happy with the outcome of the tests. Is that really all that I'm capable of ? sigh, those common tests were the toughest one i've sat for. I'm pretty sure i put a good amount of effort there and really hope it does turns out good. gpa for this sem will surely decline for sure, it wont meet my expectation. sigh. you know how much i hate that? i hate it when people will start talking about how stupid i am, or insult my intelligence just cause i don't know some stuff in life. the feeling is fucked up, when you know nothing and there's just people out there that are bound to bring u down, somehow, intentionally or unintentionally hurt you with their words. it feels like a fucking dagger piercing through the heart when you're already trouble with so many things.always , i put up a strong front, to bring smiles on people faces because that's the least of a good deed i could do. i can't show them the weaker side of me at least not any time sooner cause they don't know that fragile side of me. all they know is that hanif who's a crazy mothafucka forever active like some monkey jumping around making a fool of himself or pointing a middle finger to something. and you know why he does that ? cause he wanted to be happy, avoid the unhappiness that's always within him. but somehow at the end of the day, when he sits behind his computer or get home on a public transport alone listening blankly to his mp3 songs, he start looking back at life, he's always still unhappy with something. sometimes there's nothing to be even unhappy about for the day but still he dont feel contented or happy. so what the fuck was lacking or am i missing ? sigh,what was it that i want.truthfully i don't know. maybe trying to be perfect was my problem. maybe it's just my mindset. whatever it is i don't know. i always read or at least people always say to other, try to be positive and all that motivational bullshit. but how do i even do that when i feel like i have nothing else worth pursuing for. why in life we have to go through all these shits that make us think and reflect so much ? all this happiness and loneliness is driving me insane. sometimes talking things out to a person might actually make a person feel better but if i were to say all these things, people would call me insane or emo . sometimes you dont even know if your friends would be there for you like they've always mention. sigh. why life's so hard to understand ? when you're all broken up inside , the best remedy is being alone.